You
-with the kind smile-
lift my body
high
to know heaven;
lightness
a sweet taste
air.
You
-with the sun in your eyes-
set me gently back
down
to my native soil
gently back
down
to my native soul.
Love
-two people embraced-
this land is sacred;
with green grass
almost
purple
from so many violets.
Everyone does it
had done it
was doing it
We all shot ourselves in the leg
I felt distrust in this process
but we were preserving traditions
The consensus was
we walk around JUST FINE
eventually we don’t even BLEED
So I took a smooth cold gun and shot once into my upper thigh
The bullet dove deep
found a place in tissue and bone
And, it became a part of me
I walked without
remembering the pain
I was
SO STRONG
I was
SO BAD
But one day I started burning
When you are running from ghosts, you can bike or you can drink or you can flirt or you can make plans or you can work hard or you can love or you can betray or you can hurricane.
But these ghosts have long legs.
They take
tall strides until
they
are
Right behind you!
And then
they'll
Leap!
Onto your head!
And you’ll have to stop running and biking and drinking and flirting and making plans and working and loving and betraying and hurricane-ing
all at once because these ghosts are so heavy.
If a long leg ghost is on your head, listen to me. It may take full concentration and proper systems of organization to reason with it.
It could take tactics of open acknowledgement or feigned ignorance.
To coax a long leg ghost off your head
you could
take a vacation
or
sleep in a new place.
Try a few things and let me know.
Sorry.
I don't have the time to offer more options, I am running from them too!
SOMEONE HAS TO GET THIS TRAIN BACK ON THE RAILS!
Right now you can’t be the sweet baby
you can’t be helpless
and wide eyed
and crying
and blinking a lot.
Evolve your harp seal squeaks
into full sentences
Get out of your cloud bed
onto your feet
and watch what happens.
This transformation does not need to be extreme
you do not need to be a gangster
intimidating everyone.
You do not need to be
Pablo Escobar.
Take it easy. It is easy.
When you have to be
the strong one
you have to be a woman.
The moon is a cresent
I unlock my bike
The sky is blue and dark
It’s about 7pm
A man crosses the street
He quotes Jesus and asks me
Do you know who said that?
(I thought it was Dr. Sues
I get the question wrong)
Shocked, the man walks closer and says
NO! Jesus said this! And God said this!
And all other gods said this!
And the man is crazy
But I feel comfortable with him - no kidding!
We part ways
each continuing a search
for heaven on earth.
Her bedroom is cold in October. It chills the rose water sitting in glass bottles on the dresser. Several of the bottles are empty but she likes the way they look, lined up like relics in a temple. Spraying the water down her back, the skin rises up along her spine, a part of her body that curves in a way men like. A man she loves traces it with his finger. It is like a painting, he says.
Continuing the ritual, brushing the water through her hair because they say roses will maintain softness. Femininity has always been sacred to her. Femininity has always been easy to achieve in the privacy of her bedroom.
She paints her nails so that they may glitter in the sun to accompany expressive gestures in the company of friends. She pulls skinny jeans over her hips and ties her shoes in the same way she learned as a child.
Opening the door, the sun begins warming the top of her head as she grabs her bike and joins the flow of traffic. The wind rustles her hair as she balances between cars. The scent of roses mixes with the city and her heart beats in happiness. This is when life resembles poetry, she thinks, peddling up a hill.
Across the street there is shouting.
Hey! Nice Bike! I wish I was a bike so that you could ride me down the street! Haha! Hey. Do you hear me? Yeah bitch.
She looks over and stares. She has learned that to have a relationship with beauty in America, you will intimately know the cut of vulgarity. She has learned that to be soft within grit is an act of rebellion.
25 years of this, she thinks, looking away, reaching the top of the hill.
She scans the city below and smiles.
I couldn’t sleep for days
my hands began to shake
I was
forgetting things
hugging exes
crashing my bike
at the intersection
I sought out friends
and they took care of me
Mint tea
Glasses of water
A hug
Moments like these house pure love
Sparked by crashes
we wander around all opened up
hoping to be met with kindness
hoping to be strong again
Waking up on a couch, I walk
in the world a little
Bundles of honeysuckle
breathe sweetness
into September's cool air
There is a café and a book
The café plays a nice song
The world hums sweetly
Switching gears
weaving downtown
amongst traffic
My bare leg
nearly brushes
the driver side
of your Kia
Biking
Living
It is
a flirtatious game
We were all just sitting around the table and my brother comes forward
He gets real, real about his struggle
I mean
you could see it on his face too
this whole time
the wild in his eyes
and how his mouth was trembling
But we were averting our eyes
to discuss oatmeal
We didn’t think
he would actually say something
at breakfast
So
it throws us off guard
We don’t know what to say
No one taught us how to respond
We all sit in silence
Pins drop
We can hear them
Rainfall of pins
Plink
plink
plink
We look down to see them collecting on the floor
A man I loved once loved me but
lost touch with reality and couldn’t love me anymore.
He was in my dream last night. We sat on a train and I felt so happy but
my hand was wrapped up tightly in a piece of string.
It dug into my skin. It hurt. It was hindering my abilities.
He took the string between his pointer finger and thumb
carefully unwinding around and around until
finally
the terrorist thread
let go
leaving behind
just a pink memory
a blameless indentation.
It took a long time to unravel but
we were still there
sitting on the train.
He held my hand.
All the women I love
are fixing guitar strings
or sitting quietly to paint the day with delicate caution.
One day in August
the women I love start to fade.
Melting like those glaciers
they sink beneath water to retreat a world growing hot.
I say, wait!
But their hair is already drifting dark patterns on the waves.
Some reasoned
they were too sensitive.
We are animals, really. This is survival of the fittest.
But if a country cannot take care of the gentle
if it relies only on strength...
Well, we are back to where we started
but with fewer souls singing us home towards peace.
Ice cream and walking
with a friend and a soulmate
Diamonds were once coal
Handsome men with dogs
They have tattoos and style
Graphic design rules
It's not so bad, right?
We all try our best despite
hate crimes on the news
Written after viewing the police shooting video of Philando Castile and then the video of his girlfriend and child in the back of a police car and his girlfriend is screaming, then the video of the police carrying disabled people out of Sen. Mitch McConnell's office, and then the video of police brutality towards a Laotian American with the same name and skin color as my boyfriend. But people have little to say because they work all the time.
The ozone is shit
My grandparents bought a gun
Sunburn in no time
It’s purgatory
The police pushed my sister
I ESCAPED PRISON
And my skin cleared up
But I came back for my friends
We are the inmates
What makes girls cry at night? What makes them love again in the morning? What pulls tears down in streams and puffs their eyes out like grapes? What pulls them out the door just hours later, one foot in front of the other? Right. Left. Breathe. Go. Look. Find. Of what origin is this sadness? Of what origin is this strength? And how do they comprehend limits when they know nothing can destroy them?
Hey,
I know you have strong powers of adaptation.
So get yourself there. To that place that treats you well.
And sing.
LAST WEEK I applied to 20 jobs on Elance.com
IT FELT like an out of body experience.
I DID NOT receive any interest in the form of follow up emails.
I WAS INVITED by a company in Bangladesh to write 500 word articles for $2.
Hi. My name is J and I’m here today for a double violation received last week while traveling to a job interview in Gahenna.
I am writing a script for traffic court because I am not confident when it comes to figures of authority in the system of justice. My family can talk their way out of speeding tickets with charisma. My charisma is limited to interactions with musicians, poets and teachers. It’s so great but does not save time or money.
Double citations.
Passing on a double line.
Proceeding to speed at a pace of 45mph on Cherrybottom road.
Bullshit citations. Bestowed by an attractive officer by the name of Van. In our unfortunate interaction, I am fake polite and his presense is imposing. I am preoccupied with the difference in power I feel sitting down, having to look up at a man with an imposing attitude.
You need to pay the fine at the address listed by the date listed or you may choose to appear in court. Failure to oblige will result in a warrant for your arrest and I'm sure you don't want that, do you?
I look at Van for an inappropriate amount of time, telepathically communicating rage before saying Thank you and looking away. It's all very passive aggressive and I'm not proud. Neither person left the exchange with feelings of well being.
After receiving both citations I arrive late to a job interview as a candidate to edit BDSM videos for a divorced couple, who are both dominants and we could assume that is why their marriage ultimately did not work out. There’s also probably an element of jealously as the woman has more followers in Columbus Ohio, specifically, men working in retail.
Everyone has a fetish! Says the man holding the interview. Everyone. I have a fetish, you have a fetish and it doesn't even have to be anything too weird. I mean, my fetish is women with nice butts. If there was a place with a lot of women walking around with nice butts, sure! Maybe I would pay some money to be there!
As the interview progresses I doubt my candidacy to edit videos as I am persuaded to appear a video involving hypnosis. You really would be perfect because you're attractive but I mean you look normal, he concludes enthusiastically. Thank you, I say and I look at him and I look away. Exiting the plush office, I leave feeling confused and intrigued and suspicious of myself thinking it possible to edit BDSM videos Monday-Friday 9-5.
Filing into traffic court the following week, I meet with a loud and swiftly speaking prosecutor wearing a beige suit. I say good morning and he says nothing back.
Hi. My name is J and I’m here today for a double traffic violation received last week while traveling to a job interview in Gahenna.
The exchange was quick and routine. I remember nothing that was said but one charge was graciously dropped. I leave feeling refreshed in some ways but also aware that so much time has been wasted.
I consider the United States system of justice. I consider the local underground scene of domination.
I drive home slowly despite wanting to go fast
Sometimes you do great
Sometimes you impress everyone
Sometimes you are acting questionable
Sometimes you walk in a cool breeze
Sometimes you fly into a cactus
Sometimes you survive
Sometimes you fly into it again
a month later
and you think
OH MY GOD
But then you survive
Then you get by
Then you get better
Then you do great
Chinese Massage Internship Part II
My first reflexology client came to us after lifting bags of mulch all day.
I was nervous
and proceeded to ask
what is mulch?
Even though,
I know what mulch is!
He explained to me about mulch.
Mulch is that thing they make from tree bark and grass, it’s similar to dirt but with a strong smell. Mulch is used in landscaping.
Chinese Massage Internship Part I
In exchange for English lessons I am learning reflexology with a healer named David from Chengdu.
Today, for some reason, we covered the phrase “No deal.” It has turned into a fun game and we can pretend to be angry with each other.
Me:
…How about I massage you for thirty minutes and you massage me twenty minutes?
David:
No Deal! Two Minutes.
Me:
What!?
David:
You massage me two hours. I massage you two minutes.
Me:
NO DEAL!
Or….
Me:
I want to practice. Can I massage you for twenty minutes?
David:
No deal! You make me uncomfortable!